time loop
10/18/22 - just an attempt at writing a piece about the experience of being stuck in a time loop. one of many (well. maybe like, two, or three) attempts to capture julian's personal little promethean curse, but i find whenever i write them i'm never really satisfied with it, lol. at least i had fun :]
everything up to the line "Soon enough, at 4:35 exactly..." was written on 10/18/22, everything after the word "exactly" was added just now on 7/19/2023 just because I saw it unfinished and couldn't just...leave it there. yknow
“Good afternoon, Jules!”
“Hey there, Tasha! How’s the arm doing today?”
“Yo, didn’t think I’d see you here, J-Man! You doin’ alright?”
“Woah, hey Louie! As good as ever, man, happy to see ya!”
I perform my daily greetings the moment I step into the cafeteria. It was once a nice little surprise, catching my friends here on the way from work. There was a time where Louis appearing with a cup of Sprite and a cafeteria pizza did surprise me, a fun chance passing in the new crowd of people that usually appeared here every break. It was hard to keep up the act the third time, harder the sixth, and I’ve seriously begun to consider avoiding him at whatever the count was now.
But I don’t. I like Louis. I like my friends. It’s who I am.
“Hello, Captain,” the cafeteria worker greeted me as I approached with my tray. I skillfully plucked an apple with a casual motion, rubbed it on my shirt and made sure to bite it just as hard as yesterday.
Crrrunch.
Not hard enough.
“Hey, Paola.” I grinned at her with a mouth full of apple. It earned the familiar cringe from her. I countered it with a laugh. “You know I’m havin’ the usual.”
“I do,” she responded, lowering her gaze for a moment to scoop up a handful of pasta. “Nothing ever changes with you, huh? Not complaining. The girl in front of you, Jeong-Hui?” She leaned closer to me to speak without her hearing us, stretching her neck over the glass separating us in a manner I can only describe as rooster-like. “It’s like she changes her mind the moment my spoon touches her food. Thank god you’re easy.”
“I try.” I gave her a placid smile.
“Your, uh…erstigmertism doing better?” Her comment once made me genuinely stop in my tracks and laugh. The third time around I didn’t force a laugh, only replying earnestly and saying, “No, it’s astigmatism.” Paola didn’t seem to appreciate it back then, getting almost embarrassed and making the rest of the conversation uncomfortably tense. From then on, I made sure to belt out a laugh and carry on.
“Haha!” Perfect, I thought to myself. “No, well, uh, sure? My astigmatism is definitely still there.” I winked one eye, and she waved her hand.
“Oh, keep eating well and it should clear up eventually. You take care now, will you?”
“Yea, yea, ‘course it will. Will do, ma’am.” I drew back my tray, pasta now freshly deployed, and turned to grab a bag of chips. “Oh—you take care too, alright?” I gave her a two finger salute, which she returned, and breezed my way over to the seating area. She gave me a big grin.
Finally done with that interaction, I head to a window seat, hoping I didn’t catch anyone else’s eyes, or that Louis was just heading out for work again… I don’t want to give off the wrong impression to anyone—I’m a people person, and I love my friends! This is why I keep them safe from my turmoil on the hardest of days, on days where the script becomes too restricting, and I struggle to keep the illusion of a brand new day strong. Days where I want to test the limits of this loop, throw my tray on the floor, and begin to kick and scream, knowing the day would probably reset when I went to bed that night anyways. It’d definitely confuse them though, it’d make them worry about me, and I don’t want that. Their day today is going so well right now; they at least deserve that.
This is how it’s been for a week now… I think. I used to keep track of how many times it repeats. I’ve begun to slip out of that habit. It’ll only stress me out more—just focus on the performance at hand, and pretend that it’s all brand new.
“Hey, Jules! You thought you’d escape me, didn’t you?”
Uh oh.
My friend Griffin approached me with a tray housing a sandwich stuffed with illegal amounts of mystery meat and salad. I forgot to account for her watchful gaze–she’s always on the hunt for her friends, and being so caught up in nailing my talk with Paola, I totally forgot she was coming.
“Ah–Griffin!” I quickly stood from my booth and grabbed her by the waist, yanking her to the side and making sure to balance her tray with my other hand.
“Aargh!” She yelped in surprise at the sudden grab—if I had remembered, I would’ve definitely been much gentler—but let me sweep her away. She stared at me like I had just grown wings. “What! What was it?!”
“Puddle.” I pointed down to the floor to reveal to her a small puddle of water, not yet labeled with a wet floor sign. “You almost slipped, silly.” I let her go and returned to my seat. In one of the early loops, she had come barging by and taken a nasty slip, breaking her glasses and losing her masterfully crafted sandwich in the fall.
“Oh. Damn, Jules, I thought you were blind as hell, how’d you even see that?!” She stepped back and slowly stumbled back into the seat across from me.
“Sun reflected into it? You got lucky, Grif.” I spun my fork into my pasta, anxiously awaiting the next hour. It was coming, and knowing my hours were timed only made me more anxious. I swallowed it down. Acting natural is what I do. It’s what I’ve always done.
“Mm.” She took a big bite of her sandwich. “Hey, Narae wanted me to ask, did you have fun last night?”
Oh, man. Last night. Hadn’t thought about that in a while.
“...Remind me what we did last night?” It had been so long since last night had been a thing. Last night, as in her last night—everyone’s last night— was not my last night. Last night for me was still May 2nd, same as it was today, and as far as I know I’ve spent the final hours of every May 2nd alone.
“Jeez, are you that much of a lightweight?” She laughed. Oh. Phew. My ass is saved by questionable drinking parties once again. “We had a little party at Narae’s dorm, remember? The one with those delicious shrimp skewers…”
“Oh, yeah, of course!” I laughed. “No, no, yeah, it was fun! I loved the shrimp.”
“Whuh?” She tilted her head. “Hey, did you sneak some when I wasn’t looking?! You said you were all full!” Oh no. My act’s falling apart, isn’t it?
“Oh, shit. Did I say that?” I laughed nervously. “Y’know drunk Jules is a black hole when it comes to snacks. Tasted damn good, though!”
“Hmmm…” She squints. Man. I hope the manager lets me repeat this day. She’s not fooled at all, is she? “...no, yeah, drunk Jules is a BEAST! I had no idea you could chug like that!” She laughed. I let out a sigh of relief. She wasn’t suspicious, she was just being Griffin.
“‘Course I can. I grew up surrounded by sports bros.” I grinned and took another bite of pasta.
We spent a good while chatting back and forth. For some reason, Griffin wasn’t as stiffly consistent as the others. A few loops she’d say one thing, and the others she’d say something different. It fascinated me as much as it terrified me. I was used to repeating the same script for them, but for Griffin, I had to stay on my toes. Maybe she was my one enrichment in this time prison, maybe she was just being Griffin. Either way, it hurt me to avoid her, but she was too unpredictable. Any moment now and one of her nostalgia trips was going to catch me looking insane.
“Well, I gotta blast. You have fun over there doing whatever captains do!” She picked up her tray in one hand and held out her other hand for a fistbump. I returned it with vigor, in a perfect arch.
“Gotcha, boss.”
And with that, she was gone.
The minutes ticked by. I checked my wristwatch. 4:29. My break was over in exactly one minute, and I had spent too much time in that sudden conversation.
“Shit!” I cursed under my breath and quickly stood. I tossed my uneaten food in the trash, left the tray on top of the garbage can, and bolted it out of there.
Soon enough, at 4:35 exactly, the biggest act of my performance would begin. A few abnormalities would breach, and it’d be no problem, up until the damage from their rampage spirals into a stronger abnormality escaping, up until the whole facility is thrown into insanity. Running down the halls, trying to keep my goggles from flying off my head, I knew that if I didn’t get to the position I’d discovered throughout this loop, I’d be too late to stop any of it from happening.
“Hey, Julian!” Clerks from the Control Department greeted me as I flew by, but I didn’t have time to greet them back. My legs could only take me so fast, but it wasn’t enough. I had to go faster. It can’t happen today, not when I’d already worked so hard to keep today’s repeat stable up to now. Please, please, please…
“Julian?”
That voice had my heart fall into a pit in my gut. My hardest obstacle to blow through was not a clerk, nor a brick wall, but Eva Schauer, captain of the Control Team.
But I had to. Usually I’d stop and try to explain, or at least justify why I had to ignore him, but now I didn’t have time. Griffin’s conversation ate too much time, when I should’ve been working on finishing my lunch, and getting down here directly after.
“Come with me! Run!” That’s all I had time to spit out as I blew past him, shoving through the arm he jut out in an attempt to stop me. I feel his arm swipe out as if to grab me as I sweep by, but he misses, and I figure he stumbled behind me.
“J—What?” He stuttered, but I heard his footsteps running to catch up behind me, and off we went. Simple enough, I guess. I fly into an elevator and punch a number.
“C’mere!” Once Eva entered my arm’s reach I grabbed him and pulled him into the elevator before the doors closed. It began its descent.
“Julian—what the hell is all this about?!” He asked, exasperated. “What’s wrong with you?!” He looked up to me with that furrowed brow and focused, wide brown eyes.
“One of the abnormalities down there—I got a call that it was showing signs of breaching, and I want to be there before anything can happen,” I lied. “You know how bad things can get if a few clerks die around here.”
“One of the—which one? Down where?” Eva still looks bewildered, looking down to his pager. “I didn’t get anything, why you?”
“Dunno. Central Command department, Little Helper.” The elevator halted with a small jump and the doors opened.
“Little Helper…? But Julian—”
“No time, no time!” I grabbed Eva’s hand and took off running down the halls. I felt a little lightheaded as I did— I hadn’t eaten anything today, which is a mistake on my part, but I had to grit through and persevere if I didn’t want this day to go to shit.
“Julian, you—listen to me! Little Helper—”
I slammed my side into the doors leading into the main room and flew through, stumbling into the vast room before me. I kept running down until I could get to the opposite door, and pushed that one open as well.
“Little Helper is having its containment cell redone, idiot!”
I only heard Eva’s words once I opened those doors and saw the state of Little Helper’s containment unit. The abnormality was nowhere to be seen, and the containment unit was wide open, being worked on by a few tired clerks and their leader, the captain of Safety Team, Acacia. They turned to face me.
“Hey Julian,” said Acacia with a lazy wave.
“What did I tell you?” Eva spoke in an angered whisper. I could only stand and stare in confusion.
“...What? Where’s Little Helper?”I looked around and didn’t see the little white robot Abnormality anywhere.
“I dunno, ask the Manager.” Acacia shrugged and turned back to their clerks.
“Taken out of containment and placed dormant with the Manager until maintenance is done?” Eva said to me as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “Were you hearing things, or just straight up lying to me to drag me around for no reason?”
I felt the lightheadedness increase as I tried to process what this means. All other times before, Little Helper had been in its containment unit, and would breach right after employee Tasha worked on it and failed. How come it changed…? Why are things changing today…? I felt a wave of fog over my brain as I turned to Eva.
“What…day is it?”
Eva furrows his brow in confusion. “Monday? May second? Why, you have an appointment with the thing?”
It was still May 2nd. The day hadn’t gone forward, or gone back. So why…?
“You, uh, look a lil’ pale, Captain,” one of the clerks said, looking me up and down.
“Yeah. I think I’ll take him back upstairs. Sorry to disturb you, Captain Acacia.” Eva tips his hat slightly with a faint jingle, and I can see him wince a bit at the sound. Acacia simply gives him a nod and a hum, fully engrossed in their work. I feel Eva take my hand with a firm grip and practically pull me out of the room.
“Julian, what the hell’s gotten into you? What was that about?” He still speaks quietly as we walk down the hall back to the elevator.
“I—I could’ve sworn someone told me to check on the thing…” I narrowed my eyes in confusion and looked around for any sight of the Abnormality. It wasn’t anywhere to be found.
“Who was it, anyways?”
“I don’t know. Just—someone.”
“Well, maybe they were prank calling you. Serves you right for doing the same to my team.” Eva scoffs. “Do you see how it feels now?”
Yeah. Definitely a prank call, the past few days I’ve been reliving over and over again. Surely things are just different today because…waffles, I guess. Why not! Why not.
“Uh huh.” I wormed my hand out of his grip and stepped to the side. “I’m…just gonna sit here for a little bit. You can go on ahead,” I said, waving. “Just, uh, wanna sit and make sure nothing bad actually happens, y’know?”
Eva looked down at me and his gaze softened from anger and annoyance to something I could only really guess was pity. He sighs. “That nervous about it, huh?”
I shrugged. “Better to be safe than sorry.”
Eva glanced around before shaking his head and stepping to stand next to be, leaning against the wall. “I don’t have anything better to do right now. I’ve finished my work for the next half hour until lunch is off, so I’ll stand here and wait with you, just in case the dormant Abnormality currently god-knows-where decides to breach.” He looks down at me expectantly, as if he were waiting for me to laugh. I give him an exhale, almost like a scoff, and a small curl at the corners of my lips.
“You’re so generous,” I say with sarcasm, and he gives me a smile back, even if it’s a little smug.
“I know.” He looks down the hall.
We sit there and wait out the lunch period, but nothing happens. Nothing…happens. The bloodshed of all the last repeats of this day never occurs, and this day remains pure…for some reason. The longer the time passes without a single breach, a single alarm, I get more and more unnerved. Eva might’ve noticed, for he nudged my shoulder and tilted his head.
“You eat today?” He asks, squinting. “That clerk was right, you look pale.”
“Yea, just a little sick—” I caught myself and paused. “...Actually, no, I, uh, haven’t.” I averted my eyes, knowing he’s probably giving me a disappointed look. “Was too focused on getting down here in time.”
Eva sighed and extended his hand. “Get up. I haven’t had lunch either. We should probably do that before we can’t anymore.”
I took his arm and lifted myself up, and we started heading back down the hall and to the cafeteria.
For some reason, whenever there was some sort of anomaly or change in these endless repeats, it was either him or Griffin that were around for it. Although, compared to Griffin, it isn’t him that changes through the loops, or his actions, or his words. All of that remains consistent. It just appears that, whenever he’s around, everything else around him changes.
Or, at least throughout these time loops, it’s only ever changed drastically when he’s around.
I’m still not sure what the reason for that is, or if it really means anything. Just because he’s always present when it happens doesn’t mean he’s the cause. We hang out a lot. Or, well, I hang out with him a lot.
Does he know? Is this just some weird coincidence, or a string of fate?
I didn't really care enough to find out, and I was much too hungry in the moment to think about it any longer, as we entered the cafeteria, and sat down in a booth together, ready to take on the mystery of the day that lay before me.