satan on wheels

1/29/23 - bwahaha this one was fun. i was in a bit of a creative rut around this semester but i pulled thru and created this. our prompt was that we each made up a title, passed them around, and got someone else's random title. we then had to write something based off it. here's what i wrote for the one my friend gave me, "satan on wheels"! she was very excited to see what i did with it, lol. i ended up discovering thru someone's peer review that a lot of the quick fic and the short stories i wrote in class (aka non-oc stuff) tends to read as fiction geared towards kids, which isn't bad, but definitely unexpected!


School books…eye of newt…calculator…book of dark arts…skateboard.

Andi scanned over her book bag one last time, assured that she had packed everything. Today was a very important day for her. Of course, there was the important math exam she had to take that morning, but she wouldn’t technically be attending that. 

Her heart was set on another plan.

“Andi…” A deep, gravelly voice echoed from downstairs, low and growling like an old dog. “Come forth, Andi.”

Andi sighed. “Yea, dad? I’m kinda busy…”

He didn’t reply past that. She groaned—of course he’s gonna make her drop everything to come forth…she shoved the last book into her bag, and to top it all off, she stored a small mason jar of various elixirs and ingredients, making sure they were hidden and secured. At last she slipped out her bedroom door and slid down the ornate golden stairwell of their decorated gothic home.

“What is it?” She asked once she was downstairs. The figure of her father stood perfectly still and lifeless in the kitchen. He was tall, large, and imposing, with the spikes of his two great horns forming a devilish shadow over the floor beneath her.

“I need you to be aware of one thing,” he drawled out in a growl, hooved legs scraping from the kitchen ominously towards her. His great long spiked tail dragged behind him like an executioner’s ax, and his glowing red eyes glinted in the dim light of the curtained home. 

“What…is it…?” She asked, as his looming figure stopped right before her. 

“...I want you to do well on your test today,” he said. “I know you will make me a proud father. You’ve been studying for quite some time. It’s time for your efforts to pay off.” He adjusted the tiny glasses on the bridge of his nose with a giant clawed hand. “Good luck. And don’t forget to grab breakfast on your way out.” He reached out to ruffle her hair, earning a groan and a shove from her. 

“Come on, you messed up my hair!” She frantically tried to fix it as she grabbed an apple to head out the door. Andi was about to take a great big step outdoors until her father stopped her once more.

“Andi,” he said, voice booming and low. “Remember. No more fooling around with those humans.” His fangs, passed down to her through the wonders of genetics, hung over his bottom lip as it pulled back into a grim frown. “You are a devil. Humans are nothing compared to us. You know this.”

“Ugh! I know,” she said. “You’ve told me this a million times already.”

“And I will continue to say it until it gets through your head. No. More. Humans. Do you understand?” His eyes narrowed.

“...Yeah…” she lied.

“Alright. Remember…I’m watching you.” The door slowly crept shut. Andi’s tail flicked mischievously. She had other plans.


“I said I want you to take this test for me.”  Andi sat in the girl’s bathroom across from an identical copy of herself. It was perfectly identical to her, although every now and then her eyes would flicker a different color, or her nose would start melting, or her throat would emit a low guttural growl…but it had worked.

“Grouughwl…” It could only grumble and groan in gibberish. Most novice conjurations would be bound to have their flaws, especially a fully-formed human form…but honestly, she was more surprised she was able to conjure it in the first place, especially under such a time crunch.

“...Here. Take this. You can study it before class. You know where to go, right?” Andi held out her math textbook. “I put some of my blood in you, so you should have some of my memories. Use ‘em!” 

The homunculus looked down at the textbook. It cautiously took the book, gazed at it and turned it around…and then stuck it in its mouth and began chewing.

“Ah…well…just keep your head down, okay?” Andi grimaced and stood. “It’s classroom A103, okay? I’m gonna be late—good luck, Andi 2!” She shouted over her shoulder as she stormed out the bathroom door, leaving her abomination alone with its new textbook and calculator. She could catch a glimpse of it leaving the bathroom and hobbling to class before she took off on her skateboard to be free from school grounds. 

Surely that can’t go too wrong…my dad’s the most powerful devil in these parts, he should be able to get me a new textbook if my abomination eats it or something. She whistled happily as her board shot down the stairs of the school and parked to a stop before the great big gates of the entrance.

She dove behind some bushes and opened her bag. Time for phase two of her great escape. Her dad was certain to have hired imps to spy on her and make sure she wasn’t skipping class…so she was about to put that Illusionary Magic course knowledge to good use. With a magic circle quickly etched into the dirt and some magic ingredients from her secret jar, she conjured up a quick disguise, one of a more human form. She lifted her head, her long crimson hair now short and blonde, and her horns becoming a little cloth headband. Her tail became a long coat.

And now, striking a glorious, victorious pose, Andi was ready to seize the day—and her highly anticipated skateboarding competition!

    At the Midnight Square Skate Park the crowd was immense, and the stakes were high. Hundreds of skilled human teens from around the area had been training for years for this—and among this was Andrea von Doom, the secretly devilish girl from the high school down the road. However, to her group of human friends, she would be addressed as simply Andi. She stood amongst the crowd awaiting her turn, her sharp eyes watching every one of her competition’s moves to see what she could pick up on.

Maybe if I used some skill-swapping magic to boost myself up… She shook her head. No. If I play anything seriously, it’s gonna be this. I’ve been training hard. This’ll be won right.

At last her turn to show off what she had learned came up. Her black heart pounded in the abscess of her chest, and her disguised human face wrinkled up in determination. She was sure of her skills with or without magic, and now, gripping her custom-painted My Little Cthulhu board, she was prepared to win this. 

“Go, Andi, go!” Her friends shouted behind her. They had been friends for quite some time, all behind her father’s back. One of them wore bat wing earrings and bore all black clothes, like a specter of the night, yet she was only human. Another wore red and black and listened to music that sounded like the gurgled screaming of the Underworld. It almost reminded her of home, yet amongst them, she felt even more accepted than back under her father’s roof.

Andi didn’t have time to dawdle on such thoughts, however, as her board was already tipping over the edge. She stomped her foot down, and took off down the ramp. Her board hummed against the concrete and growled as it licked the other side of the ramp. A swing, a turn, and a flip. She landed back on the ground with grace, earning a cheer from the crowd. Faster now, she accelerated, ascending up the ramp, until her board crested it once more. She kicked her legs up. Her hand gripped her board tightly. It flew from beneath her, and so did she, but it caught her, and she landed on her feet. Her friends roared with excitement. 

With the wind in her hair, she let out a big, dull-toothed grin. She was in her element, with no imp, overbearing father, or hall monitor in sight.

“She WHAT?”

Humburtus von Doom, the powerful devil father, stood at the house phone, gripping the tiny receiver with a huge clawed hand. He had been preparing to pay a quick visit to the Underworld and check up on his subjects, but a sudden call from Andi’s school had stopped him dead in his tracks. He took in a deep, rumbling breath to compose himself

“Your daughter, Andrea? She’s pulled the oldest trick in the book,” spoke the creaky voice of the elderly headmistress. “She conjured up an abomination to take her place in the exams.”

Humbert was about ready to expel a bout of fire from his maws, but upon hearing the word abomination, his breath paused, and his ears perked up. “...An abomination?” He asked. “Tell me…how did you spot it?”

“Well, it was constructed well enough to make it to the class and begin taking the test with no suspicion,” said the headmistress, “but after the twenty minute mark it grew hungry and began to eat the exam and its writing utensils.”

“Hm…” If this weren’t implying his daughter’s disappearance from school, perhaps Humbert would allow a laugh to escape his lips. However now was not the time—Andi had skipped school, and Humbert had his hunches. “Thank you for letting me know, Headmistress. Have a good day.”

“We highly recommend you take use of our truant tracking service to locate and retrieve your d—”

“I believe I have it just fine,” Humbert interrupted, a low growl slipping into his voice. He hung up the phone and pulled out a small pocket watch from his coat. When it flipped open, it began to glow, and became a small communication device.

“She’s with those humans,” he hissed into it. “Make sure she’s safe and relay her location as soon as possible.”

“And the winner of our Fifth Annual Skate Cup is…” The tension was tight in the air of the human skate park. A crowd of equally sweaty teens crowded around an announcer, who stood next to a winner’s podium. Two banged-up skaters stood in second and third place. Andi had her eyes on the first.

Her moves had been sufficient. The crowd had gone wild when she showed off her new moves. And now, she waited.

“...Andrea von Doom!” The kids around her went wild. Her friends began to tug on her and cheer, shaking her around wildly. Her vision became a blur of excitement, and she felt herself begin to laugh.

“Andi! Andi, they’re looking for you!” Her friend shouted.

“I know, I know!” She shouted back. “I’ll be up there once you stop shaking me so much!”

“No—look!” She turned to see where her friend was pointing. And in that particular direction stood two formally dressed imps, in a shoddy human disguise. She could practically see their tails flicking from all the way back here.

“Oh no.” She turned to her friend. “Can you distract them while I get my medal?”

“I—are you sure…?”

“They won’t hurt you,” Andi promised, beginning to make her way through the crowd as she yelled back to him. “They’re just my dad’s bodyguards.”

She slipped her way into the front, and happily jumped up to the first place on the podium. The announcer slung a gold medal around her neck, and she held it up with pride. The crowd went wild. And in the back, her friend struggled to find her dad’s “bodyguards,” who had hidden themselves under a veil of invisibility. It was due to this that she barely noticed her dad stomp up behind her, making the crowd go totally silent.

“...Hm?” She opened her eyes and saw the crowd staring at her blankly. Some began to back away. “Is…is everything okay…?” She slowly turned, the soles of her shoe scraping against the top of the podium. Finally she came face to face to her father, in his full demonic glory, baring his jagged teeth with the fury only an angered father could bear.

“Andrea von Doom…” he growled slowly. “You…are in so much trouble, young lady!” He let out a roar and the crowd shrieked and dispersed. The second and third place winners stumbled off the podium and took off in opposite directions. Her friends scattered all as well, save for one, who with a trembling hand tried to protect Andi from the devil behind her.

“Leave her alone, devil!” Her friend whimpered. “You leave my friend alone!”

“Friend?” Humbert barked. “FRIEND?!! Andi, what have I told you?! Come with me!” Her father grabbed her arm and made a quick motion with his other arm, and suddenly they were no longer in the skate park. Instead, they blipped into the kitchen of their home. Andi withered and wriggled in his grip.

“DAD!” She yelled. “Are you crazy?! You scared them all off!”

“I scared off those filthy humans gawking at you, of course I did!”

“You scared off those humans gawking at me because I won!” She grabbed her medal and held it out.

“And what is this…artificial coin doing around your neck?!” He took it in his claw and inspected it. “Some sort of hex, or a divine icon, or—”

“A medal, dad!” Andi sighed. “For winning first place at the skate competition…”

“...First place?” Her dad’s brow raised.

“Yeah, dad. First place. But you blew it.” She bowed her head. “They’ll never want to hang out with me again. I’ll have to come up with a new human disguise.”

Her dad took a moment to step back and examine the situation. She could practically see the gears whirring in his head as his eyes flicked from the medal, to her skateboard, to her human form. 

“...Andi…this human form, and that abomination you cast at school…did you do that all on your own?”

“Yeah?” She answered curtly. “Who else would’ve done it for me? I barely have any other friends who do dark magic.”

“...And that crowd…they were…all your friends?”

“Well, not all of them…but they all liked me. They were cheering for me…” She bowed her head again. “I had five human friends there cheering for me.”

“And…they knew you were a devil?”

“I mean, no, because if I went out as a devil, you’d be sure to find me.” Andi glanced up. “They make nonhuman friends all the time.”

Humbert let go of her arm and stepped back. All his life, he had been raised to hate and scorn humans. Those with weak minds lashed out at anyone or anything different—and this had been proven through years of demon hunting. However nowadays, the world began to change…and Andi was walking proof.

His brow unfurrowed, and he let out a gruff sigh.

“...Andi. I cannot say that I am going to let you walk away scott free from skipping an important exam to ride your skateboard,” he began, and Andi already went to roll her eyes. “But. Your magic today…has proven to be exceptional. And your ability to hold such…foolishly brave friends…” He reminisced on the trembling human boy standing up against him, the strongest of all devils… “...perhaps…if you would like…we could begin to arrange a compromise.” 

Andi could only stand and stare. Her father was notoriously stubborn, but now… “...A compromise?”

“No more skipping school,” he cut in. “But…if you would like me to give your humans a second chance…perhaps I could learn to trust them.” His eyes narrowed. “That medal of yours, you’ve earned it. But please…next time…try and earn an equal medal at school, won’t you?”

“I—I can do that,” Andi quickly said. “Yeah—yeah! I’ll tell my friends, maybe you can meet them at the park this weekend—”

“Ah ah,” Humbert interrupted. “You’re grounded.” Andi groaned and threw her head back. “...But perhaps next week could be arranged.”

“Good job, Andi. Now tell me…” A clawed hand reached out to point to her skateboard. “...What dark magic does one require to wield one of those boards?” 

Andi laughed.

“Just legs that work, Dad.”


i am scared, i want to go home